I wonder if I have changed over night. I wonder if I changed during the
last week. Let me think! Was I same when I got up this morning? I almost think I
can remember feeling a little different. But if I am not the same. I really am
not the same. What impact does it have when one is in a company of a great
teacher or a friend or an intellectual person - whose knowledge is as vast as
ocean whose company one enjoys to the fullest. I
wish I could listen and be with such a animate soul forever. And when one comes in contact with such a person (no matter who it is) one always tends to establish a relationship.I pondered as I was gazing the night sky alone this Saturday night - what relationships mean, how does one define them! I read one of the talks given by Jiddu Krishnamurti on Relationships and seems like I got my answers to some extent. (Sharing the content here).
Relationship - What does it mean to you? First of all, there is no such thing as being isolated. To be is to be related
and without relationship there is no existence. Relationship an interconnected challenge and response between two
people- between you and me, the challenge which you throw out and which I
accept or to which I respond; also the challenge I throw out to you. The
relationship of two people creates society - society is not independent of you
and me; the mass is not by itself a separate entity but you and I in our
relationship to each other create the mass, the group, the society.
Relationship is the awareness
of interconnection between two people. What is that relationship generally
based on? Is it not based on so-called
interdependence, mutual assistance? At least, we say it is mutual help, mutual
aid and so on, but actually, apart from words, apart from the emotional screen
which we throw up against each other, what is it based upon? On mutual
gratification! If I do not please you, you get rid of me, if I
please you, you accept me either as your wife or as your neighbour or as your
friend. That is the fact.
What is it that you call the family? Obviously it is a relationship of
intimacy, of communion. In your family, in your relationship with your wife,
with your husband, is there communion? Surely that is what we mean by
relationship, do we not? Relationship means communion without fear, freedom to
understand each other, to communicate directly. Obviously relationship means
that - to be in communion with another. Are you? Are you in communion with your
wife? Perhaps you are physically but that is not relationship.You and your wife live on opposite sides of a
wall of isolation, do you not? You have your own pursuits, your ambitions, and
she has hers. You live behind the wall and occasionally look over the top - and
that you call relationship. That is a fact, is it not? You may enlarge it,
soften it and introduce a new set of words to describe it. But that is the
fact - that you and another live in isolation and that life in isolation you
call relationship.
If there is real relationship between two people, which means there is
communion between them, then the implications are enormous. Then there is no
isolation- there is love and not responsibility or duty. It is the people who
are isolated behind their walls who talk about duty and responsibility. A man
who loves does not talk about responsibility - he loves. Therefore he shares
with another his joy, his sorrow, his money. Are your families such? Is there
direct communion with your wife, with your children? Obviously not.
Therefore the family is merely an excuse to
continue your name or tradition, to give you what you want, so the family becomes a means of self-perpetuation, of
carrying on your name. That is one kind of immortality, one kind of permanency.
The family is also used as a means of gratification. I exploit others
ruthlessly in the business world, in the political or social world outside and
at home I try to be kind and generous. How absurd! Or the world is too much for
me, I want peace and I go home. I suffer in the world and I go home and try to
find comfort. So I use relationship as a means of gratification which means I
do not want to be disturbed by my relationship.
Thus relationship is sought
where there is mutual satisfaction, gratification When you do not find that satisfaction you change
relationship either you divorce or you remain together but seek gratification
elsewhere or else you move from one relationship to another till you find what
you seek - which is satisfaction, gratification and a sense of self-protection
and comfort. After all, that is our relationship in the world.Relationship is sought where there can be
security, where you as an individual can live in a state of security, in a
state of gratification, in a state of ignorance - all of which always creates
conflict.If you do not satisfy me and I am seeking satisfaction,
naturally there must be conflict, because we are both seeking security in each
other; when that security becomes uncertain you become jealous, you become
violent, you become possessive and so on. So relationship invariably results in
possession in condemnation, in self-assertive demands for security, for comfort and in that there is naturally no love.
We talk about love, we talk
about responsibility, duty, but there is really no love- relationship is based
on gratification, the effect of which we
see in the present civilization. The way we treat our wives, children,
neighbours, friends is an indication that in our relationship there is really
no love at all. It is merely a mutual search for gratification. As this is so,
what then is the purpose of relationship? What is its ultimate significance? If
you observe yourself in relationship with others, do you not find that
relationship is a process of self-revelation? Does not my contact with you
reveal my own state of being if I am aware, if I am alert enough to be
conscious of my own reaction in relationship?Relationship is really a process of self-revelation,
which is a process of self-knowledge- in that revelation there are many
unpleasant things, disquieting, uncomfortable thoughts, activities. Since I do
not like what I discover- I run away from a relationship which is not pleasant
to a relationship. Therefore, relationship has very little significance when we
are merely seeking mutual gratification but becomes extraordinarily significant
when it is a means of self-revelation and self-knowledge.
After all, there is no relationship in love, is there? It is only when you love
something and expect a return of your love that there is a relationship. When
you love, that is when you give yourself over to something entirely, wholly then there is no relationship. If you do love, if there is such a love, then it is a marvellous thing. In such
love there is no friction, there is not the one and the other, there is
complete unity. It is a state of integration, a complete being. There are such
moments, such rare, happy, joyous moments, when there is complete love,
complete communion. What generally happens is that love is not what is
important but the other, the object of love becomes important; the one to whom
love is given becomes important and not love itself.Then the object of love, for various reasons,
either biological, verbal or because of a desire for gratification for comfort
and so on, becomes important and love recedes. Then possession, jealousy and
demands create conflict and love recedes further and further; the further it
recedes, the more the problem of relationship loses its significance, its worth
and its meaning.Therefore, love is one of the most difficult
things to comprehend. It cannot come through an intellectual urgency, it cannot
be manufactured by various methods and means and disciplines. It is a state of
being when the activities of the self have ceased but they will not cease if
you merely suppress them, shun them or discipline them. You must understand the
activities of the self in all the different layers of consciousness. We have
moments when we do love, when there is no thought, no motive, but those moments
are very rare. Because they are rare we cling to them in memory and thus create
a barrier between living reality and the action of our daily existence.
In order to understand relationship it is important
to understand first of all what is, what is actually taking place in our lives,
in all the different subtle forms- and also what relationship actually
means. Relationship is self-revelation - it is because we do not want to be
revealed to ourselves that we hide in comfort and then relationship loses its
extraordinary depth, significance and beauty. There can be true relationship
only when there is love but love is not the search for gratification. Love
exists only when there is self-forgetfulness, when there is complete communion,
not between one or two but communion with the highest; and that can only take
place when the self is forgotten.
